My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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