Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
