We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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