Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize