I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
