I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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