I need to stop coming to work sober
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
