I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
