halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
