I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
