so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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