i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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