There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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