I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
