3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
