i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
