Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
