Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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