pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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