My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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