Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
