FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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