she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
