You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
