This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
