final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I enjoy the company of your penis
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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