Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
