You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
