Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
