mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
