someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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