True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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