Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Jerry, you need to find god
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
