I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
