So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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