bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
