dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
