I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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