I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
