The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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