I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I FOUND THE LEGS
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