Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
