If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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