worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
