dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They have beer where we have blood.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
