can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
