i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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