Have you finally orgasmed yet?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
