I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
