That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
