i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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