I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
