Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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