I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
