I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
