it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
