wanna go halves on a baby?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
